Where have the pieces of my heart gone? It used to be whole when I was young! It lays in pieces now, some here, some there some… just gone. My heart used to be whole long ago when I feared nothing, when nothing hurt.
"You’re Stupid!" someone yells at you. It hurts and you want it to stop. There goes a piece of my heart, the piece with the hurt being torn away and protected.
"I wish you had never been born!" says another. And another piece is gone… protected from further hurts.
"Look at the cry baby crying at the movie, CRY BABY! CRY BABY!" "Quit Whining", "You will never be good enough", "You didn’t do it right", "You will never make it", "you’re not smart enough".
And you cry out "Someone come and take me away, I hate my life!" and something comes in and holds parts of your heart in protection away from you so you don’t feel the hurt. But you can’t feel anything else either. No joy no happiness, nothing but pain deep in my broken heart.
My innocence is lost in violence! Another big piece torn away, protected, removed.
When I was a child I was ridiculed for many things like crying, showing compassion and caring about animals. Part of the child I was then took the part of my heart that was damaged by those wounds and held it to protect it from the weed of shame that was growing in my soul. That part of my heart was protected but it was separated from the rest of me. The little girl who was protecting that part of my heart was also separate and didn’t grow up. For every part of your heart that is damaged a child is there protecting it.
As I spoke to Jesus he showed me a picture of my soul. It’s a garden, a group of living things that intertwine themselves into every part of my life. My soul is connected to my heart, my mind, my spirit, my emotions and my consciousness. My soul is the ground where all things that affect my life are rooted. I must feed, water and weed the garden of my soul on a regular basis. If any part of my being is damaged then my garden doesn’t flourish.
I started planting things in the garden when I was a child. I let other people plant things in this garden too. Some of the things are good like, joy, love, happiness. Some of the things are bad like hate, selfishness, unforgiveness, shame, fear and other such things. As I have gotten older I have tried to plant other items such as self respect, self worth and pride in the abilities God has given me to use. The problem is that the weeds called shame, fear and the others are using up all the nourishment, sun and water and are strangling out the life from the things I want to grow.
One day recently I was listening to someone talk about how Shame can overpower everything in your life and how it keeps the things that God puts in you from flourishing. The revelation came to me that this root of shame was planted in my soul when I was very young and this has dictated my actions throughout my life. Once I realized that Shame was such a powerful negative force in my life it was as if I was set free. Suddenly the shame no longer overshadowed me. It was as if I stepped out into the Son Shine of God’s love and was no longer ashamed of myself.
When Jesus showed me the Garden of my Soul I saw freshly turned dark rich earth with some stubble and pieces of dead weeds laying around. The first thought I had was "what do I plant now?" Jesus said "no, you must clean up the trash first or nothing will grow as you want it to".
Since then I have identified the different things in my life that have held me back from fulfilling the destiny Christ has set for me. The fear of praying for people I don’t know. Letting others rule my actions because I was too afraid to stand up for myself and let people know how I feel. I needed to quit talking about the "Adventure of my Soul" and start doing some adventuring instead.
After I had done this for a while I talked to Jesus and pictured myself in my Garden raking and picking up the trash till the soil was clear of everything and ready for planting. I asked again "what do I plant now?" then I saw my hand holding a seed and Jesus said "Love", and I planted the seed. I saw another seed in my hand and again Jesus said "Peace". More seeds were held in the hand and planted. Each time I planted a seed Jesus would tell me what the seeds are to grow in me… "Grace, Mercy, Caring, Courage, Humility, Holiness and Wisdom" These are the things that Jesus had me plant in my soul to grow in me. These are the things in me that my shame has strangled and killed in me all these years.
Everyone has a Garden in their Soul where the things of God and the world strive to grow. The things of the world strive to overpower the things of God and take over your life. The things of the world strive to fill your life with Fear, Shame, Unforgiveness, Self Centeredness, Greed and any number of other worldly things that are not of God. So please tend your garden.
Free the children and repair your heart. Become whole and let the things God plants in your soul rule over the things of the world. Step into the Son Shine and let Jesus help you weed and plant your Garden and see the things he wants to grow in your life.
