Before I became a Christian I had a lot of hard times. I never had enough money, creditors were trying to collect from me and I couldn’t pay all of my utilities every month let alone my other bills. I would say to God “When will this end? When will I get ahead? When will I be able to quit struggling every day to make ends meet? When will I ever make enough money to have a comfortable life?” I never asked him into my heart, never told him I loved him. Never said I wanted him to be in my life at all. All I wanted was to have a comfortable life, I wanted him to deliver it and I didn’t want to have to do anything for it. I thought that all the suffering I was going through was payment enough. Boy was I wrong!!!
When I first became a Christian I thought “Now things will be easy. Now I won’t have to struggle so much. All I have to do now is ask God and he will provide. But how do I know if I am going to Heaven???” Then I learned that my place in heaven was assured so I figured I had it made.
Going to church on Sunday morning was enough. I go, I listen, I go home and know that God has my back for the rest of the week. After a while it wasn’t enough to know that I wanted to know more. They told me I could have a personal relationship with Jesus. How can you do that with some one you can’t see, hear, touch or hold??? It sounded good but it also sounded hard to do.
Pretty soon I was going on Sunday night too. That was fun! We learned CPR, got into a weight loss program (didn’t do me much good though) and how to act, I got into a couple of plays and that was fun too. But I wasn’t learning how to have Jesus as my friend, my buddy. Then I found myself going on Wednesday night but that was Choir, it was better, we prayed and talked some and sang about God and Christians and some of the songs were very moving. I loved being in the Choir.
Then I started going to a home group on Wednesday nights and this is what I was looking for. I was learning more about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. “Ask and you shall receive. Where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name…” Basically what it came down to is that if I ask God for it I will get it eventually, it may take 20 years but my answer is coming.
There is a lot of levels in becoming a full fledged Christian, you have to be saved, you have to accept Jesus as your Savior, you have to repent your sins. But there is a lot more than that.
When you start out you think that all your problems will go away! NOT! Sometimes they get harder. You think that all you have to do is ask God and you will get what you want! NOT! You get what he wants to give you, and he gives you only what you can handle. God’s gifts to you are not limited by God, they are limited by you. So you have the attitude that as long as you are a good little Christian you get good stuff from God.
After a while you get to the point that you are able to quit asking for stuff (most of the time) and just accept what God gives you. You still expect God to give you stuff but you leave it up to him what you are going to get.
Then there is the place where you do what you do to please God, to be closer to him, and you do what you do for God, not for what you get from God. You don’t care if he ever gives you another thing, all you want to do is what he wants you to do. You don’t get to this point knowing you are going to get more, you get to this point not wanting anything but to be closer to Jesus and to do only what pleases God. What you get is no longer important. The only important thing is to please God, to feel his love surround you like a warm blanket on a cold winters evening. You will suffer through anything to keep from doing anything that will displease or hurt them.
This is where I want to be. I am not completely there yet but I pray that I get there soon.
I heard a story about a woman who was captured by the Chinese police. She was being tortured, they told her that if she would deny God they would stop and let her go. Just say she didn’t believe any more and she was free and there would be no more pain. She refused to make any such statement. The guards asked her that if she made the statement and she went free would her God forgive her. She said yes. So they asked why she didn’t do it. Her response was that God hurt enough from all the rejection he already had from everyone else in the world, she could not add to his pain so she would never make the statement the Chinese wanted her to make.
God give me the strength of will to be that strong for you, that close to you. I pray that if such a test comes my way that I can pass it as well as others have before me. I want to be everything for you and nothing for me. I want only to please you, go where you want me to go, do what you want me to do and say what you want me to say. When people see me I only want them to see your glory and love shine from me because that is all that is in me. You guide me and fulfill my needs and all glory and honor is yours, I am just your hands, your ears, your feet, your heart. Make this so in me so that I am only what you want me to be. Amen.
